A
Recently, I said something like this to my 13-year-old son: "I've told you a thousand times just do your work and we can stop fighting. Why don't you just listen to me? I hate having to shout to get you to attention."
Creating a peaceful relationship with our children is a huge test of emotional intelligence-and particularly empathy. In the above example, there are a number of emotional intelligence failures. I was angry, so I was reacting unconsciously instead of responding intentionally. Under my anger was a feeling of powerlessness and fear. I was scared that he is not self-motivated and won't do well. I reacted to the fear by attacking. I was trying to use my force of will to make him obey.
The first rule of emotional intelligence: When people feel pushed, they resist. I was blaming him, interpreting his lack of interest in homework as a kind of personal attack on me and implying that he was making me behave the way that I behaved. I was focused on what I wanted and my perspective.
I'd like to focus on this last point, because it turns out that this lack of perspective-taking-this lack of empathy-is the key to easing parent-child tension.
When I increase empathy and relook at the situation with compassion, I see a different story. Perhaps he was afraid, too. Perhaps he felt powerless, too. Perhaps he's learned the exact same pattern I've modeled: When you're afraid, attack.
That moment of curiosity is the doorway to empathy, and it's a game changer. Empathy is not actually a complex skill. It's a basic part of the social brain. That little pause of curiosity is a way to step out of the stress reaction, and step into being the person we choose to be.
Hopefully, I'll remember to take that all-important pause and ask myself: I wonder what's really going on for him right now.
21. What phenomenon is described in paragraph 1?
A. The parent-child tension.          B. The poor emotional intelligence of parents.
C. The peaceful communication.      D. The silent resistance from children.
22. What emotional intelligence failures did the writer make in the relationship with his/her son?
A. Lacking a sense of fear.       B. Forcing his/her son to give in.
C. Making personal attacks.      D. Making intentional responses quickly.
23. What's the best title for the text?
A. Parent-Child Conflicts         B. The Test of Emotional Intelligence
C. The Doorway to Empathy      D. The Key to Easing Parent-Child Tension